Jonathan McKenzie
/December 3, 2021, I received a strange phone call. A man was asking me all sorts of questions without giving me any information in return. He had introduced himself, but I didn’t quite catch everything. I had no context for his call. All I knew was that he mentioned something about San Francisco. This was the sort of call that I should have ended, but I was patient because he said San Francisco. My brother lived near San Francisco. It was the longest phone call of my life, and it ended in disbelief.
my handsome, smart, and talented brother jonathan McKenzie
Jonathan, my younger brother, was found dead that morning in San Francisco, CA. He was found sitting by a tree facing the Pacific Ocean. Everything pointed to suicide. How could this be?
It couldn’t have been my brother, but it was. I needed time to stand still. I couldn’t process one more thing. Immediately, I stepped away from work. The next several weeks were a blur.
I loved my brother so much. So much! I wanted to believe that if he knew how much I loved him, he would never have done this. That puts me in a blame game. No one wins that game.
JOnathan McKenzie
Jonathan was incredible, thoughtful, and kind. Although, he was many years younger, we were always together. He was a big part of my volleyball experience. He was always courtside helping. I would come home from college just to have lunch with him and catch up. When I moved to DC after college, I brought him to a Bulls/Wizards game and we saw Jordan play. We had amazing seats!
He grew up to be handsome and smart. He graduated from Georgetown University and landed a job with Goldman Sachs in New York. He was a go getter! By all standards, Jonathan had made it.
Jonathan McKenzie
Jonathan was generous. He made many sacrifices for me and my family. I don’t know if I ever thanked him enough. I hope he never felt that I took him for granted. My brother packed up and left Manhattan, in the setting of Antonio’s diagnosis, and moved back to DC to be closer to us and be present to help. That was huge and it meant everything to me.
As an isolated event, it is difficult to process my brother’s death. Telling you that my relationship with Jonathan was strained after Antonio’s death adds weight to the loss. Our relationship, like too many others, eroded into severe disrepair through the stressors of the illness and loss of my late husband Antonio in 2014. It fell on us all like a ton of bricks. I am learning to recognize that everyone is going through their own journeys, too. I prayed that our relationship would mend. My life was better knowing that we breathed the same air on the planet.
My Brothers and I
When my mom fell ill suddenly, Jonathan was living in California and threats of COVID were on the horizon. Jonathan had asthma and was not able to travel with the impending concerns and rising risk. Then the shutdown happened shortly after my mom arrived home on Hospice. Within days, my mom, our matriarch, passed. Jonathan was the only sibling not physically present during her rapid decline.
When I learned of Jonathan’s death, I was still processing the loss of my mother. In fact, with COVID restrictions, 21 months later we had not had a life celebration for her. After Jonathan’s funeral in Palo Alto, we never did. There was no public celebration of my mom’s life. We were restricted by the dynamic landscape of COVID. Moreover, my family couldn’t agree on what to do in that context, so nothing happened. While I usually step up to orchestrate, grieving hard things while being the sole breadwinner and caretaker of a newly blended family that was sheltering in place during COVID, I felt capped.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they have life and live it to the full.”
Learning of my brother’s death awoke my spirit to a whole new reality. I have had to forgive Jonathan and forgive myself. I have had to work through a lot of guilt, shame, and if onlys. I have had to identify lies and realign my thoughts and beliefs with God’s promises pulled from scripture. My deck of promises has become an expansive, living resource for me from which I draw from daily. It is an ongoing process.
Over the past 10 years, there has been a lot stolen, destroyed, and killed in my life. I am in a war. It took me a long time to realize it. Still, I believe God’s timing is perfect. I am in a spiritual war in an age where people think spirits are cocktails and school cheer.
““For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms”
We are not alone in this world. There is a spiritual world that is all around us and in us. We are spiritual beings. Most of us cannot see into the spiritual realm, but the battles lost and won in the spiritual realm impact our natural world.
Depending on your experience, what I just said may seem outrageous, even outlandish. Still, if you are unaware, it doesn’t change the “reality” of what is happening.
The suicide of my beloved brother made me painfully aware of the spiritual war. What the enemy meant for evil, God has used to strengthen me and give me wisdom to share.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ”
It has taken me years to express the sentiment found in this post. God has been working on my heart. There was a lot of shame and blame mixed in with my raw emotions that I needed to process. This sermon by Pastor Mark Batterson a couple of weeks ago was timely and it encouraged me to release this post. Jonathan’s birthday just passed, July 8th. It is time to share.
I have forgiven Jonathan, and I have forgiven myself. The heaviness of this loss seems to linger. I am trusting God with my pain.
The day I found out about my younger brother passing, this message from Pastor Joel dropped. Pastor Joel had interviewed me weeks prior. With God there is no coincidence, only divine purpose. I believe it is God’s reminder to me that he sees me and to keep HOPING. Out of the abundance of hope God has given me, I share with you.
I am learning to thrive in increasingly complex situations.