Imperfect Faith
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Discussing faith is a tough thing to do. Still, my renewed faith is the foundation on which I am building my life and it gives better context to why I remain hopeful and optimistic despite feeling like I was left with more than I thought I could handle.
Losing a loved one can make one question absolutely everything- including the meaning of life. By the grace of God, I was granted a profound peace while surrounded by ruin.
By default, I surrendered all when my will was blunted and I had no fight left. I do not ever want to lose sight of this. For it was in these moments that I felt closest to God. I was given just enough to exist in one moment. Nothing more. Nothing less. There was no worry for the next moment because I was not given enough to spend on worry, just enough for the present moment. I operated in this capacity for a long time.
Now with renewed capacity and strength, I find myself trying to be self-reliant. My drive for control and self-preservation are strong. Yet, in this mode, I get easily frustrated and overwhelmed. I am far from perfect, but that does not matter. This is a come-as-you-are kind of love. God continues to show his love, mercy, and grace in my life. Without it, we live in a world of chaos.
Every day I must acknowledge his mercy and grace that give meaning to my life. I pray for patience. Through my imperfections, I hope to be a testament of God's love.
Being mothered is a universal experience. It is a life long process.
I am grateful for all those who have touched my life and continue to invest in me in this way. God is intentional.. It is out of the abundance of His love through others that compels me.