Imperfect Faith

Discussing faith is a tough thing to do.  Still, my renewed faith is the foundation on which I am building my life and it gives better context to why I remain hopeful and optimistic despite feeling like I was left with more than I thought I could handle. 

Losing a loved one can make one question absolutely everything- including the meaning of life.  By the grace of God, I was granted a profound peace while surrounded by ruin. 

By default, I surrendered all when my will was blunted and I had no fight left.  I do not ever want to lose sight of this. For it was in these moments that I felt closest to God.  I was given just enough to exist in one moment.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  There was no worry for the next moment because I was not given enough to spend on worry, just enough for the present moment.  I operated in this capacity for a long time.

Now with renewed capacity and strength, I find myself trying to be self-reliant.  My drive for control and self-preservation are strong.  Yet, in this mode, I get easily frustrated and overwhelmed.  I am far from perfect, but that does not matter.  This is a come-as-you-are kind of love.  God continues to show his love, mercy, and grace in my life.  Without it, we live in a world of chaos. 

Every day I must acknowledge his mercy and grace that give meaning to my life.  I pray for patience.   Through my imperfections, I hope to be a testament of God's love.