I Thought My Mom was Invincible
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I took and developed this photograph in college
I just learned that my mom is not invincible. My mom had superpowers. I have seen her smash through ceilings and walk through impenetrable walls. She had the resolve of the fiercest competitor. When death came for her, I can say that she gave life everything.
I am because she was
I owe a lot to my mom. She was a remarkable woman. She was all in for her family. She was a mother of six children and grandmother to eight. My grandparents were tremendous people and extremely hard workers that fought to give my mother and her siblings an even better life than their parents. Each generation making strides for the next. My mom was big on education. Each of her six children have bachelor degrees and half have masters. She insisted that we get it done. She witnessed her children graduate from the University of Pittsburgh, West Point, Colgate University, Duke University, Binghamton University, Howard University, Cornell University, and Georgetown University.
More than I know
My mom has done more for me and my siblings than I could ever give her credit. As a mother of two, I have a perspective of some of the essential work that goes on behind the scenes that few see or appreciate. I hope she knew I appreciated her. I continue to admire her hard work and effort as I mature.
Iron Woman
She suffered a catastrophic stroke, yet I still expected her to make a miraculous comeback. My mom refused to go to the hospital. Once at the hospital, when she was conscious enough to refuse, she did. The hospital was her kryptonite. She was all for naturopathy. I am a Physician Assistant (PA) trained at Duke. We had differing perspectives. She was going to do it her way. Together with my family, we prepared to bring her home to give her a fighting chance in her own element. Her will was made of iron. My will is also made of iron. We challenged each other but we also sharpened each other. Some say I am strong. I wish you could have met my mother.
She prayed for me
Her explanations were few, but her prayers were plentiful. She had big faith. She was a prayer warrior. This is only something that I have been able to appreciate recently. I believe her prayers helped lay the foundation for my life. It is her prayers that eventually lead me to prioritize and establish my own faith. When I learned of her medical condition, I reached out to as many people as I could to pray because it was a “but God” situation. I term a “but God” situation as one with anticipated poor outcome but knowing God can do immeasurably more than I can ever ask or imagine. I waited to see what would happen next.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”
Practicing stillness
When she came home, she was at peace. Her hospital bed was in the middle of the living room and we camped around her day and night. Music and grandchildren played. One night I was bold in the face of death, disrupted the peace, and told my mom something like “Enough is enough. Tonight, you rest. Tomorrow we fight.” She had not stirred all day and I had a thought that maybe she needed someone to encourage her. She opened her eyes and made prolonged eye contact with me. I thought we were reaching an agreement. I was looking for her to cosign. Instead, she clearly said “be quiet.” It was settled. I let her have the last word. Her work was done. I began to prepare my heart for her departure.
It is a challenge to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone. I truly expected her to outlive everyone. In a moment, everything has changed. At this moment, my present is overwhelming. I loved her deeply. I miss her deeper, still. I am leaning into God. God has a plan. Please continue to pray for me and my family .
Patricia Ann Holder McKenzie
6/29/1951 - 3/23/2020
“ Be still and know that I am God”
The last post I wrote was nearly two years ago. I have been grieving, slaying giants, raising champions, and growing in faith.