Peace, Hope, and New Beginnings

This day seventeen years ago, May 4, 2008, I married Antonio Jackson in the gardens of Duke University where we met.  He passed away from lung cancer in September of 2014.  Yesterday, I was cleaning out my closest and my daughter Alivia was with me.  She tried on several of my dresses to keep for herself.  Then she asked me about my wedding dress and if she could try it on.  I told her tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary.  I knew where my dress was but I had not seen or touched my wedding dress since I took it off.  I helped her into the dress and she strutted before the mirror.  Alivia is beautiful and tall.  What a gift she is to me!  She will be 16 this fall. 

Two and a half years ago, I was on campus at Colgate University.  There was a celebration to commemorate 50 Years of Women’s Athletics and I was recognized as a Trailblazer of Distinction.  People asked Alivia if she played volleyball and her response was “my mom won’t let me!”  I could not believe it!  Never once did I recall having heard Alivia ask to play volleyball, but on that weekend, she put me on notice.  She has taken a strong liking to the game.  She has been swimming since she was 3 months old and she hung up her swimsuit to pursue volleyball full time.  She gave me a hug yesterday.  The top of my head is at her chin.  She asked me if she has gotten taller.  I am pretty sure she has.  I should not be surprised.  Her father was 6’8”

Antonio was beautiful, smart, athletic, competitive, and tall with a radiant smile.  Together we gave the world two incredible humans, Alivia and Audrey.  I am grateful that my heart has finally healed.  It has been quite the journey.  I had rooted a lot of my identity in Antonio in a way that I had never done with anyone or anything else before. 

Volleyball was important to me, but I knew that that would come to an end.  Senior year was a certain end after exhausting 4 years of NCAA eligibility.  The opportunities to play after college were limited and in my heart I had fully anticipated a career in medicine.  I was able to swiftly transfer my passion from volleyball to medicine.  Those worlds have not collided until my daughter started playing.  Being on the sidelines of the volleyball court has stirred something in me.  Volleyball stirred my competitive nature like nothing has since.  This has been somewhat rekindled and I am learning to constructively channel this, Lord help me!  Clearly, I am still trying to figure out how to manage that but that is discussion for another day.

When I married Antonio, I had anticipated forever.  The threat of his loss and subsequent loss unraveled so many of my plans, hopes, happiness, and security.   I thought that I had an Antonio shaped hole in my heart, but it turns out I had an even bigger problem.  I had a God shaped hole in my heart that became increasingly apparent after Antonio’s passing. 

My plans for my life were gone with Antonio.  I had lost my love, confidant, father of my children.  It was us against the world.  Now what?

I would never ask for a loss like this- is starkly contrasted by what I have learned through this.  Through Antonio’s death, I have learned some things that I doubt I would have known without losing him and perhaps would have put our marriage in jeopardy in the years to come. 

I have rooted my identity in Christ. It was unfair to Antonio to root my identity in him.  I am learning the bigness of God.  I have an invitation to partner with God the creator of all things to impact the world.  We all do.  I accepted the invitation a long time ago but did not realize all this invitation offered, but every day I am learning.  The exclusivity of the offer is outlined in the Bible.  It is called the Living Word.  It is alive and it reads you as you read it.  As you grow, the message reveals itself.

Through Christ, I learned that while I felt a deep sense of loneliness after Antonio’s passing, God showed me that I was never alone.  I had lost the greatest love that I had known but God showed me His immeasurable love for me.  In the transition from a dual income household to my sole income plus now four children I came to the realization that God is my provider.  “The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing” Psalm 23 NIV. 

Once I recognize fear, anxiety, or unbelief, I bring it to my Heavenly Father and I ask Him to manage it or teach me how to manage it.  I even began to fear time and the amount of time I had on this earth which was my initial definition of urgency.  Urgency is now a push to get to know God, develop a deeper personal relationship with Him, and step into the fullness of what we have been created to be.  It is available to anyone who believes in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus through which we get access to immeasurable riches: love, discernment, wisdom and understanding are my personal favorites.  The access still requires a treasure hunt (aka seeking God).

I honor my late husband and the gifts he gave me through Alivia and Audrey.   I ask for his forgiveness for placing unrealistic expectations on him whether he realized it or not.   

I am grateful for hope and new beginnings.  I am grateful for the healing and restoration that have taken place within me.  I encounter people on a daily basis in the emergency room that have not been given these gifts.  I stand as a beacon of peace and hope in the emergency department and everywhere I go as Heaven invades the earth through me.